Is Television Thwarting our Parenting Efforts?

I was invited a few weeks ago to contribute to a blog that was starting up dedicated to spiritual parenting. At the time I felt a certain reluctance, because, frankly, I didn’t feel I was doing a particularly good job of spiritually parenting my own children. Really I can only describe myself as a slightly distracted parent, which I think in many ways has become the norm, and has therefore become socially acceptable and even expected. More than that- I wasn’t even sure what spiritual parenting looked like- I tried to give my children a taste of the spiritual by having them take part in dhikr and the prayer and having discussions with them about God and the universe- other than that I felt as long as I provided a safe environment, food, clothing and love, I was doing alright. I sometimes felt feelings of the inadequacy of my parenting and comforted myself that this was “good enough” parenting. After all, the last thing you need getting in the way of your parenting are feelings of your own ineptitude for the job. Frankly the exigencies of parenting had come as a surprise to me. My boys can be a real handful and sometimes their behaviour really leaves much to be desired- but I didn’t really impute this to bad parenting on my part- after all, I was doing everything that could be expected of me, including trawling through parenting manuals and trying to give my children clear boundaries, self motivation etc. etc. etc. What more could I do? There are certainly days when being a “good enough” parent is all I can manage, but is being a “good enough” parent good enough on those days I actually feel capable of being a “good” parent without attaching any qualifiers?

The blog, http://tarbeyah.wordpress.com/, has helped me to reassess my parenting, and ask myself if I am really doing enough for my children. I like the focus on being present with your children and think this is a particularly important thing to focus on in the world we live in today, which is so full of distractions, from hectic work schedules to on-tap television to ever more multifunctional smart phones. In this age of distraction it is only too easy to become a distracted parent. With the advent of smart-phones we carry our distraction around in our pockets. We never have to be truly present where we are, or even alone with our own thoughts. There is nothing that so much says “I would rather not be here” than taking out your smartphone!

Recently I met a family whose children go to a Steiner school. Both of the parents are also Steiner teachers. While I am not sure I am entirely comfortable with all Steiner philosophy, I do like the fact that they ask parents not to allow their children to watch television. The time children usually spend watching television, they instead spend doing something with their family, and as none of the children at the school watch television, there is no peer pressure to do so.

There are good things about television. It gives parents a much needed break from the hullabaloo of child-rearing in an age when we are often very alone in this endeavour- there are no aunts or uncles to pass our babies to while we get on with something, or when we just really need a break, no cousins next door to play with our children, no village to help raise our child. Television is entertaining to our children, offers light relief and relaxation, teaches our children about things they would not otherwise experience, and in a society that relies so heavily on it, it is almost a requisite for normal socialisation. You don’t want your children feeling socially inept because they’ve never watched an episode of octonauts and all their classmates have! A lot of children’s television seems innocent enough and could arguably even inculcate desirable values and character traits in our children.

But how much of the day do our children spend living in Waybaloo with strangely-coloured, fluffy, floating creatures with squeaky voices and huge eyes? How much time do they spend in Tinga Tinga land where all the animals are multicoloured and patterned and tell weird stories about how things came to be as they are? How much of our children’s dream time and imagination is dedicated to the creatures and imaginary worlds we present them with daily? Is this what we want their formative memories and perceptions of the world to be woven from? Because these outrageous colours and sounds, this non-stop movement and dance is far more compelling than the colours and rhythms of real life- there’s really no competition when it comes to which of the two grabs and holds the attention. It’s no wonder they have trouble concentrating on what we ask of them and understanding why in the real world, if in their minds they’re dancing with the overgrown triangles and squares in Mr Maker, or zooming round a fantastical race course in a stream-lined pod with a fluffy, hyperactive ball of fur for a side-kick. And it’s no wonder that teaching has become a difficult profession when this is what teacher’s have to compete with.

After reading some of the blog posts I decided to try limiting screen time for my children. I decided that during the week they could only watch documentaries, and dutifully sat down with them and watched some documentaries on amazing animals from youTube with them. Somehow watching with your child seems a step up from allowing them to watch things on their own, as it becomes a shared experience and something you can discuss. They enjoyed the documentaries… and I felt a real change in their behaviour and a calmness in the house without the incessant hysteria of Cbeebies penetrating everything. They seem to be quite happy with my ‘documentaries during the week’ rule, and I decided to let them choose something else they want to see on the week-end. They are choosing to play more now, rather than watch TV, and I feel all of us are becoming more present with each other.

The last thing I want is to sound judgemental about using the box as a babysitter, but i wonder if we could actually be missing out on a critical part of parenting when we use it. Cutting out television can be incredibly hard- I tried once when my children were 3 and 5 and failed miserably. I felt I so needed that hour or two of quiet while they were watching that it was actually driving me a bit crazy just not having that time. I wish I’d persisted and found some creative way of finding these moments of quiet and space without resorting to the television. Because I actually wonder if all those episodes of Zigby and Everything’s Rosie may come back to haunt you, when you gaze into your child’s eyes and find them imprinted there. I’m not at all convinced that television is as harmless as we tell ourselves it is. In fact I wonder if we may be robbing our children of something essential, and robbing ourselves of a deeper relationship with our children in our use of it. Parenting is a hard job- the last thing we need is to add feelings of being an inadequate parent to the equation- but this is certainly a feeling I’ve experienced- and I wonder if perhaps, ironically, television steals the fullness of connection with our children from us that we need to feel a sense of wellbeing and fulfillment as a parent. When our children need entertainment, should it be us that rise to the creative challenge and find something to engage them, whether it be shoe-lace tying or cooking or painting? It is only now that my children are 7 and 5 that I feel I have the energy and will to wean them and myself somewhat from our screen habits. And I still feel the impulse to turn on the television when my boys are being too wild. But how much distracted parenting should we forgive ourselves and how much will we have to pay for it in later years?

Tags: being present, distracted parenting, limiting screen-time, parenting, smart-phones, television

Earthing – Take off your shoes – “They’ll make you sick!”

The following article was written for and also appears on the trend-spotting site Into The Green , a blog that highlights positive social and environmental change.

I have just been listening to the audiobook “Earthing.”

In it the authors encourage us to take off our shoes and reconnect with the earth for at least half an hour a day. Sounds like good advice in and of itself, but according to the authors it could have a profound impact on our health and heal a plethora of modern diseases that seem to abound in the modern age. According to them, because of the super-insulated lives we lead, never making direct contact with the ground, free radicals rampage around our bodies, causing unnecessary inflammation and leading to conditions such as allergies, alzheimer’s disease, ALS, anemia, arthritis, asthma, autism, cancer, cardiovascular disease, diabetes types I and II, fibromyalgia, intestinal diseases, kidney failure, lupus, multiple sclerosis, pancreatitis, psoriasis and eczema.

The way this works is simple: when we make contact with the earth, free electrons flow from the earth into the body, stopping acute or chronic inflammation in its tracks. Earthing can reportedly improve all the aforementioned conditions, especially over longer and repeated periods of contact, and can also get rid of insomnia, fatigue, muscle pain, jet lag, anxiety and depression. What’s more it is a great anti-aging agent. Oh yes, AND it’s supposed to have a calming effect on children.

I’m feeling enthusiastic about the idea of getting earthed, it seems sort of natural and intrinsically right. Why are trips to the beach and picnics always so pleasant? Is it the fact we’re inadvertently engaging in an earthing session? Just the thought of bare feet in sand or water or on grass seems so right. Earthing is not just a matter of contact with the land, but can also be experienced through contact with water. Water is a great conductor of electrons, and it is this flow of electrons that makes earthing work. Could earthing be a big part of the “feel good buzz” and health benefits that lead some people to take part in winter swimming? ( “ice swimming” is practically a way of life in Finland, and is also practiced in Russia and China.) Could it also help to explain the tradition that has grown up in many places around miraculous recoveries attributed to spa towns and healing baths?

This makes me wonder: are we all, in our insulated houses and shoes, suffering from a sort of constant short circuit? It seems that without grounding ourselves through direct contact with the earth’s surface, we are, just like an ungrounded electrical appliance, likely to malfunction. Could earthing really be the answer to all the medical ills of the day? Could it perhaps even cure my conviction that every new alternative therapy I discover is the cure for EVERYTHING?

Unlike many alternative therapies, Earthing has quite a lot of scientific studies to back it up. It’s basic premise is that inflammation is caused by free radicals and that free radicals are neutralized with electrons from any source. Electrons are the source of the neutralizing power of antioxidants, and also of the Earth’s amazing power to heal. Studies have been carried out that have proven the positive effect of earthing on pulse rate, respiratory rate, blood oxygenation, perfusion index, skin conductance, cortisol levels, bioelectrical stress, delayed onset muscle soreness, and the reduction of chronic inflammation and pain.

Given all the incredible benefits of just taking off your shoes, I have been making an effort to get myself and sproglings grounded recently, and may well have been seen by the odd passer by marching my children barefoot across the park on the way home from school over the last couple of weeks. I have to admit though that walking around in an overcoat and no shoes can draw you a few slightly bemused looks from fellow park- goers, and getting your children to do this might be misconstrued as necessitating some sort of child welfare intervention, so with the weather turning colder and the nights drawing in I am wondering how to get our half an hour a day of natural earthing in. While I doubt we’ll be taking any cold water dips in the lake, we might make a few trips to the park to play in the new sandpit. We could also have mini-picnics and reading sessions on the grass, weather and daylight permitting. Maybe people could start holding Earthing Parties in the park – in a crowd you wouldn’t feel so strange sitting on the ground in the park in mid-winter. Hmmm… perhaps it would still look slightly odd.

But never fear! For those of us unable to get naturally earthed due to inclement weather or other conditions, there are earthing sheets that you sleep on, and plug into your wall, or rather into the ground port of a grounded electrical outlet, to get grounded. These sheets ground you the same way they ground an electrical appliance, and allow the flow of electrons from the earth to neutralise free radicals. I must say I find the idea of wrapping myself up in a “recovery” earthing sleeping bag and plugging myself into the wall a little off-putting, despite reassurances that it works wonderfully and has been used by athletes and in numerous medical studies. There are earthing mats you can put your feet on while using the computer though – these I might perhaps be persuaded to try.

The title of this post, Take off your shoes – “They’ll make you sick,” comes from the book “Earthing,” and was heard by one of the authors, during his childhood in rural Montana, being said by the Native American mother of his childhood friend when he returned home from school. Another story is also told of the Native American sister of one of his friends who was very ill with scarlet fever. Her grandfather dug a pit in the ground and placed her in it with a fire nearby to keep her warm and watched over her until she recovered.

Apparently, before modern day living, we used to spend most of our day in contact with the earth, sitting on it, walking directly on it and sleeping on it. Nowadays we can go months without touching the earth. In order to “heal” the Earth perhaps we first need to tap into the Earth’s ability to heal us- reconnecting on this level might just put us back into sync again.

So, get grounded! Ditch the shoes- or get a grounding mat (not that I’m endorsing consumerism over connecting with nature in the freezing cold!), and start reaping the healing benefits of the earth right under your feet.

Tags: auto-immune diseases, calming children, Earthing, fatigue, grounding, insomnia, muscle pain

The Story of Zing

“My name is Zing – I’ll just pop all these balloons of gloom with a pin.”

“Zing why did you pop all my balloons? – now they’re popped balloons and bits of string-”

“I’ll just put these all in the bin”

“but Zing- now I have nothing to hold on to! I have nothing to hold when I go into town. When I meet someone I have nothing to give them. Nothing to hold or share around. Nothing to talk about over the phone, and nothing to hold when I’m all alone.”

“Now listen – have some pizazz! In each balloon you pop you’ll find a ball of Zing- a ball of Zing is an incredible thing! You don’t have to hold them – they follow you round! You can juggle with them – watch their colours spin. You can share them with a friend when they’re feeling sad- you can zap people with them when they’re feeling mad and then they’ll be glad! You can put them in your shoes when you’re feeling bored. They’ll help you spring from thing to thing or sing or find your wings when you thought you were stuck in a rut or something.

Now you’re not holding those balloons you can ride a bike and skate and zoom! You can do a cartwheel, dance in the rain, you can sing a song, you can play a game, you can skip and jump – if you just pop all those sad thoughts, you can be an explorer or an astronaut! Wherever you go and whatever you do, the balls of Zing will be there with you.

Tags: emotions, energy, motherhood, story-time

Practicing thankfulness

Ok, admittedly my posts are becoming more and more wacky and soon I’ll be written off as having lost my marbles completely somewhere along the way, but I felt I should share this all the same.

Sometimes when you can’t see past the toys cluttering the living room floor, the dishes in the sink, the laundry taking over all available surfaces and the children shrieking and jumping all over the furniture, it’s hard to know how to get some perspective and count one’s blessings. You know you’re lucky not to be living in a disease-ridden slum without enough food to feed your family, but hard to fully appreciate what you have got.

I recently heard a story about a woman I love and respect who was seen by a friend thanking each plate as she put it away after washing it up! And a herbalist I met this weekend said that plants need humans to thank them ( no eye-rolling please!).

So, as an experiment I decided to try mentally thanking the food, kitchenware, furniture, plants etc. in my life to see what it felt like. I found it difficult to concentrate on this task though (un-helped by the expressions of sibling rivalry emanating from the living room), so tried thanking everything around me out loud. (make sure you’re on your own when you try this, folks, or at least with people as eccentric as you!)

It went something like this: “Thank you wooden spoon, thank you onion, thank you garlic, thank you pot. Thank you soup, thank you potato, thank you coriander, thank you oven, thank you window, thank you fridge, thank you table, thank you chair, thank you children.”

And does it work? Do all those pots and pans and potatoes and beans beam back at us when we thank them? Or, failing that, do we at least gain a greater appreciation of the things and people around us? I guess the answer is yes, or I wouldn’t be writing this post. Try it for yourself. Go ahead- develop a REAL relationship with your cutlery today, and your crockery, and the food you eat, and your plants, and your furniture, and your carpets, and your domestic appliances! Stop stonewalling everything in your life!

Tags: gratitude, thankfulness

Pie in the sky? Adventures with my cooking pot!

It’s been a while since I posted anything on this blog, and in the interim I have been on a culinary quest through time and space, dragging my hapless offspring along with me on my nutritional expeditions. I’ve experimented with many things I would have laughed or balked at until recently-

• all vegetable green smoothies and juices,
• raw milk and butter,
• ghee by the spoonful,
• fermented cod liver oil,
• raw buffalo cheese,
• cutting out all sugar and fruit, chocolate and coffee ( ahem- that last item not very successfully- yet),
• acupuncture,
• deep breathing

I haven’t quite got round to cutting out starches, but have a feeling of foreboding that may be next in my gastronomical odyssey. My children, strangely enough, have not been too alarmed by the changes going on in the Mothership’s kitchen, cheerfully eating raw butter on their toast instead of jam, and drinking raw milk instead of juice. Admittedly, I have not tried them on fermented cod liver oil though.

I have also just started an odd Ayurvedic practice of swishing oil around my mouth for 15 minutes a day- eccentric- very eccentric… Is this all part of a sudden and inexplicable wanderlust for exploring hitherto untasted foodstuffs? A fascination with the bizarre purely on the merit of its bizarreness?  Am I bored with the limited fare thus far available aboard the Mothership? Or have I perhaps been spending a little too much time in Mummy-land? All will be revealed shortly in…

… My Nutritional Travel Journal

It all began with a routine trip to the dentist and being surprised and slightly mortified on being informed that I needed six fillings. Six Fillings! – after four years of brushing twice a day and flossing without fail, not to mention eating hardly any refined sugar or flour- what WAS I doing wrong? Furthermore, both my children had teeth showing signs of decay, despite eating what I thought to be a very healthy diet and twice daily brushing. Teeth, surely, are an indication of one’s bone health- and a pretty strong indication of one’s health in general. Convinced there was more to this equation of dental health than met the eye, I set out on the first stage of my exploration. My first discovery was Cure Tooth Decay by Ramiel Nagel , which led me to try raw milk and butter (no it’s not dangerous- it’s amazing for your immune system, and tolerated by a lot of “lactose intolerant” people) fermented cod liver oil- ;-6! (get the capsules!), and high vitamin ghee.

Following one of the fillings I had after my initial (dis)appointment, one of my teeth flared up- and I ended up in severe tooth pain for a few days. I betook myself to a holistic dentist, reasoning that he might perhaps shed some light on my dental woes. He told me I was acidic (did a litmus test on my tongue!) told me to drink more water, visit a five element acupuncturist ( which I recommend everyone do!) breathe properly, and meditate. Actually he told me off for not meditating enough- and somehow it felt strangely appropriate that my dentist should admonish me for this. I had gone to him to find out what was wrong with me after all!

So armed with new breathing techniques, appointments with needles, brita filters and motivation to concentrate more in my prayers, I continued on my journey. The next unexpected turn in the road presented itself as a small piece of paper slipped into my delivery of raw milk, detailing the speakers and lectures of a festival of traditional nutrition. Ramiel Nagel’s book had shown some intriguing before and after photos of traditional peoples on “primitive” diets in perfect health with no dental decay – despite no brushing, and these same people, post modern diet, pre-dentist, with serious health and dental problems after introducing them to modern diets. From the inhabitants of the Alps to Australian Aborigines to the Eskimos of the dark frozen North, primitive diets have proved to be not only nutritionally adequate, but also protective against many of the diseases of modern civilization. With the conviction that our ancestors must have garnered some wisdom in the millennia they have spent eating and drinking before us, I felt a natural curiosity to find out how they survived, and often thrived, before the advent of fridge-freezers and year-round fruit and veg.

So, the next destination on the itinerary was the London Festival of Traditional Nutrition, a voyage of discovery and horizons expanding even further than I expected they might, where I learned that things are very often not what they seem (again!). I found out why unhealthy gut flora is at the root of all physical and mental disease and how to get healthy gut flora, that depression is associated with cancer and anger with heart disease, that happiness is an inside job (start by getting that gut flora balanced!), why you will gain more weight eating carbs than fats, and why saturated fats and cholesterol are good for you! All in all fascinating subject matter that will probably change the way I look at food and affect what I put in my cooking pot from now on. Oh, and I picked up an interesting book at the festival about oil pulling, which I had never heard of before and seems to be a miracle cure that may well render the rest of this information extraneous, or at least supplementary…this, however, remains to be seen – let the next adventure begin!

Tags: diet, motherhood, nutrition, raw milk, teeth

Liebster Blogs!

Yay! Space Mum has received an award! Nominated by none other than the endlessly funny and resourceful Cavemum – and if you haven’t discovered her yet, you are missing out! She will make you cry and laugh at once – over and over again!

Having received this lovely little award I now have to award it myself to 3-5 of my favourite blogs. Three of my favourite blogs have actually already received it – which happens to be a good thing, as otherwise I would not be able to award it to all of them. So, my nominations are:

My Uncle’s amazing blog – I am completely in awe of this man’s courage, bravery and positive outlook.

Ayesha Gamiet’s blog – for her beautiful children’s illustrations inspired by Islamic art.

and Hanna Whiteman’s blog for her inspiring illustration and design.

Preparation for the School Run

Morning!

7a.m: Alarm clock. You want to lie in for ten minutes, but know if you do you will have to press the Turbo button for too long and stress levels will sky-rocket, so you haul yourself out of bed, and attempt to wake up the children.

7.02: on your way to the bathroom you trip on yesterday’s discarded clothing and so collect it all up and throw it in the washing machine. You notice some of last night’s washing up- sorry, did I say that? Ahem, I think I was on PAUSE last night. And quickly do some so that you can see the kitchen sink again, where was I, oh yes, on the way to the WC.

7.10: You make coffee, green smoothie ( very important for efficient functioning in FAST FORWARD) and put two slices of bread in the toaster. You grab some more clothes from the laundry basket and put on the washing machine.  Right, sip some coffee, green smoothie, and shift into FAST FORWARD. You call the kids for breakfast, butter their toast, ask what they would like on it, wait five minutes for an answer, put offerings of green smoothie before them and hope for acceptance, get oldest child to read through “speed words,” and go to run the bath, (bedwetting issues) turning on the computer on your way through the living room ( for future use hypnotising kids while in TURBO).

7.45: kids finish breakfast and get into bath, taking ten minutes to take off their PJs and five to find the bath toys they want.

Kids in bath, prepare packed lunch. Oh yes, get dressed yourself, brush hair, brush teeth.

8.15: Kids out of bath wrapped in towels watching ten minute cartoon ( luckily they may be content to watch the same one several days in a row) while you collect underwear, uniform, socks ( ADD five minutes to routine- I NEED to sort out my sock situation) shoes, hats, coats gloves from around the house and dupe your hypnotised progeny into donning said items of clothing.

If you are very dedicated you can have your children put on all these items of clothing without any televisual aid or motherly intervention, but without any distraction this task will likely add half an hour to forty five minutes to your routine and be the source of endless temper tantrums and futile battles.

Brush children’s hair and teeth.

Get scooter from balcony for oldest child, strap youngest into push-chair, – check keys, wallet, phone, lunch box, book bag are present. Check children’s faces for traces of breakfast, snot, sleep, ear wax.

Put on your running shoes- you’re five minutes late!

Open front door, call lift, shut front door, negotiate getting push-chair, scooter, oldest child and self into lift packed with other neighbours heading out to school/work. Nod and smile at neighbours, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0…. And we have blast off!

Now for a nice twenty-five minute rush through the park. It is called the school run, after all!

Tags: green smoothie, morning routine, mothering, parenting, school run

A Place for Everything and Everything in Its Place – hmmm.

Clutter – do not turn your back on it. Ever. It will jump on you and overwhelm you as soon as it notices you are not looking. It will suffocate you given the slightest opportunity. It is NOT your friend!!! Right, that’s it. I’m instituting a fifteen minute a day clutter clearing regime. Clutter! – game OVER!

Just as the clutter element of material matter in Mama-World is liable to spiral out of control, so too are the grime, dust, mud and general filth elements. From smears on window panes, to food flung all over the walls, to mud traipsed through hallways, these elements take on hitherto unexperienced properties. Oh, did I forget the mishaps related to nappies, toilet training, bedwetting and mysterious vomiting bugs that always seem to strike in the middle of the night? Left unchecked such unmitigated forces will rapidly turn your spaceship into one of the grottiest on the planet.

Like the depictions of Hindu goddesses, the lesser domestic goddess could also do with many arms and hands, brandishing spatulas, food processors, story books, mops and baby wipes against the invading stealth forces of clutter and chaos. All those arms and hands have got to be for multi-tasking, right? But, endowed with only two of each we are forced to learn the art of juggling. It’s important to develop a certain mastery in each of the arts you juggle, or you run a high risk of dropping everything in a big jumbled heap in the hallway or on the kitchen table. This then becomes a sort of permanent monument constantly reminding you what a failed example of domestic goddesshood you are.

I came to live in Mama-World with a combination of a student’s bohemian disdain for cleaning- the job no-one should have to do – (how dare dust exist, and what has it got to do with me if it does?) supplemented periodically ( when the grime and cobwebs could really no longer be ignored) by a sort of long-suffering Zen Buddhist approach to housework, which involved notions of humility and suffering and finding meditation in one’s daily tasks, no matter how humble. However, perhaps due to not having the appropriate level of spiritual enlightenment, or a spiritual master to guide me through my daily chores, or perhaps due to my evident lack of perseverance and consistency – I found feelings of resentment could creep into this ‘meditative’ practice, rendering the whole approach self-defeating. A new approach was clearly called for!

After some time grappling with the atrophying nature of mundane existence I gradually and inevitably came to the conclusion that the cleanliness of my house was a responsibility placed squarely on my own shoulders- it was clear no-one else was going to do it, and all the wistful thinking that it was somehow a job that didn’t need doing at all didn’t seem to affect the undeniable reality before me: the dust, lime-scale and grime that continually builds up when humans, and especially humans with children, innocently go about their day to day activities.

Carried out in Slow Motion battling these forces often seems unachievable, as the chaos advances faster than it can be beaten back. During the early stages of acclimatisation to Mama-World you may find it impossible to move out of Slow Motion though, so enrapt with wonder, overwhelmed by nappies and milk, and sleep-deprived you are! Once you learn to use Fast Forward or Turbo, however, these tasks do become manageable. You approach your house like a whirlwind, brandishing and swishing your duster, broom and mop through each room.  The idea is to whip up enough energy your brain starts releasing endorphins – and suddenly -eek! cleaning your house can be a pleasurable activity. Yes, folks, housework can and should be fun! Go ahead and enjoy those lemony and citronella detergent smells ( all ecological and biodegradable- naturally… all the same don’t inhale too much- a good supply of oxygen still advised). Dance with your mop. Play space wars with your vacuum cleaner and the kids. Be the heroine of your own galactic dust wars, PAFF! ZAP!! SPLAT! – all in 15 minute bursts of endorphin-high frenetic activity. You may find you start to clean your house just because it feels good! Cleaning shouldn’t be the job no-one wants to do when it can be a celebration of life and all things shiny and gleaming. Admittedly getting up your whirlwind-cleaning energy can be a bit like getting yourself to go for a jog on a cold winter’s day sometimes, but come on, you’ll enjoy it once you start! And after all that, you get to downshift, and go do yoga/ have play date/ tea/ go for walk, with space-mum and baby from across the park, all in the knowledge that your spaceship is that little bit shinier and more orderly than it was.

Tags: cleaning, clutter, juggling, mothering, parenting

Child Time: Fast Forward and Slow Motion

A large component of all mother-in-training courses concerns learning to use the two main gears motherhood is conducted in at the appropriate times. These gears are fast forward and slow motion. Employ the wrong gear at the wrong time and you will very likely have some mini-disaster on your hands. Employment of the correct gear is related to the variable nature of time in the weird and wonderful world of motherhood. ( See the previous post on this subject) It is essential to learn to distinguish the kind of time band you are currently in and accordingly shift into the appropriate gear. In its simplest terms, this usually means that if it is one of those black hole moments, where large tracts of time are likely to suddenly disappear unannounced, and you have a date with reality ( e.g. school run) you should be on fast forward. If not you are very unlikely to arrive anywhere near on time, thus causing yourself grave embarrassment as an entirely failed example of motherhood. Learning to use fast forward appropriately is therefore a core issue to be addressed and mastered as quickly as possible. The rest of the time it is generally advised to be in slow motion gear to prevent unnecessary frustration, burn out, stalling or even break down. So stop revving that engine and just go very SLOWLY. Over employment of fast-forward carries it’s own warning notice. Even pressing “play” wears the gears down when used too often. Use of fast forward or turbo is also advised during nap time- but only once the sleepless nights phase is over and it is not necessary for you yourself to sleep at these moments. If you have been trying to use fast forward at inappropriate moments during the day there can be a temptation to downshift at this moment, but this is highly ill advised as it usually contributes to frustrations building up surrounding issues of lack of productivity tied so intimately in the Real World with issues of self worth. Most mothers very quickly become very effective in their use of nap time. It’s like having a mini deadline to do everything you need or want to that cannot be reasonably accomplished in slow motion. Rewind is also of great utility, for use in those moments when one of your children completely misinterprets the appropriate behaviour in a given situation, and a demonstration of what they could or should have done is in order.

One of your main jobs as a mother is to inculcate an awareness of the constraints of Real Time in your children. I have heard routine to be useful in this regard and have had some success with my limited employment of it, but have been loathe to stick to a too strict regime due to the suspicion that I may in fact learn something from my children’s conception of time. What can possibly be learned from a disregard for time? Yes, I know it’s most likely a completely erroneous hunch with nothing but sloth and lack of maturity at its heart. I’m supposed to be teaching my children to be adults, not being retaught to be a child by them. Perhaps I do spend a little more time in coo-coo land than is strictly necessary – but you have to enjoy your job to really understand and do it well. Humour me here! Let’s just call it research.

Tags: fast forward, motherhood, slow motion, time

This Mother and The Other

I’m not like you. But if you had lived my life and I had lived yours we might be mirror images. I’m not like you, but when you look at me don’t look at my clothes or my skin or my mannerisms. Look at me as you would look at a mirror. Look inside to find your mirror image.

Occasionally, on being asked THE question, “So, what do you do?” and administrating your deliberately unapologetic: “I’m a Mother,” the person you are talking to replies with a dumbfounded, slightly incredulous,

“Oh,”

followed only by a stunned silence, which seems to say, “ how could you do that to yourself?!” You almost expect an Oxfam representative to turn up on your doorstep the next day with one of their initiatives for getting women into work. Because if you don’t work, what are you worth? There’s no paycheck at the end of the month proving to you and the rest of the world your monthly monetary value – and worse, you are dependent on good-will and charity for your upkeep. What self-respecting woman would put herself in this situation?

“Drop out! Sponge! Door-mat!”

There are social circles and, as I have discovered, whole societies where mothering one’s own children full-time is no longer seen as an obligation, or right, or even a slightly questionable privilege just about countenanced and conceded by the rest of society, but is instead seen as completely unnecessary, misguided and most likely psychologically harmful to both you and your child.

“But what on earth do you do with yourself all day?” asked with slight alarm, ” you mean an intelligent woman who could be working would CHOOSE to spend all day at home with a baby and toddler?!” eyebrows raised, ” don’t you know you’re depriving your child by not allowing them to spend enough time at nursery? All babies from four months on should spend five to twelve hours a day at nursery, it’s good for them to socialize, didn’t you know?” eyes rolling slightly, ” are we back in the stone-age?” ( Well, yes, possibly, have you seen my nice cloth-nappies with wool covers? My friend, Cavemum,  who lives in southern Spain, would go one step further and dispense with nappies altogether, but, ahem, perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned that, :-s.

Pregnant pause,

as if to say- “don’t you realize you’re betraying the entire women’s movement?” followed by one of those moments of mutual incomprehension.

Yes, it does make one wonder why all new mothers don’t just run out of the house screaming and head back to the world of gainful employment, where they are told they are doing what they were made to do and were trained to be, allowing those qualified to do the job to raise their children.

I happened to live somewhere where full-time mothering was socially unacceptable for my first four years in the occupation – where the concept was such a non-concept that you were simply viewed as being pitifully unemployed. Luckily in most of the world, being a full-time mum is still seen as a job worth doing, making it possible to weather the scorn of the few who disagree. I do respect mothers who choose to or have to work while they still have young children. Everyone’s situation is different. The times I have attempted part-time work with a young child I have not enjoyed it, and I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to fully immerse myself in motherhood while my children were young. My children have reached an age where they play happily together for hours now. Incrementally getting more of my time and personal space back is a great, half-unexpected pleasure – a mother learns to value very highly both of these commodities so often taken for granted, and I am relishing having time to myself to do other things again. I am also quite looking forward to going back to work and joining the grown-up world again when my youngest starts school next year, hopefully finding the perfect balance between work and home, and not precipitating a vicious cycle of stress in all spheres of my life.

Having experienced life as a full-time mother, with all it’s sleepless nights and feelings of being overwhelmed by chaos, my impecunious situation and own ineptitude, yes – I would do it again. Why, you might ask? For me it was giving my children everything I could, because of the moments of baby-bliss, connection with my children and deep tranquility in the midst of it all, and because it challenged me in so many ways to change, to learn and grow.

Tags: full-time mother, mirror image, motherhood, parenting, working mother